Real Holiday is a comedy about a young person searching for something real and solid amidst the commercialism and political correctness surrounding the Christmas holiday. Play it large and over-the-top. The parts can be played by either gender.
Large knapsack, stuffed animal cat, one large chair for Santa and a smaller, shorter chair for Tabby. The chairs should be decorated as garishly and overdone as your budget will allow.
Real Holiday was first performed in the winter of 2007 by:
Jenkins County Middle School Drama Club in Millen, GA USA
Hamady High School in Clio, MI USA
Real Holiday was first published in 2007.
Tabby is Santa's last visitor of the day at this mall where it is forbidden to utter the word "Christmas." Santa wants to know if she has been a good girl and what toys she wants. Tabby is intent on getting something "real" from Santa. She tells him that she has catnapped his stuffed animal cat from the hood of his Sleigh-U-V. A week before, he had left it on the hood in the rain. Santa reveals his true feelings about the stuffed animal. Tabby thanks him. He accidentally says the word "Christmas", is fired, and taken away by security. Tabby looks at the audience and speaks the forbidden word to the audience, bringing on a final tussle with security.
(LIGHTS UP ON SANTA AND TABBY. THEY SIT IN SEPARATE CHAIRS. SHE HOLDS A LARGE KNAPSACK)
SANTA: You're the last one of the day. Ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho! Have you been a good girl?
TABBY: What do you mean by that, Santa?.
SANTA: Have you been good?
TABBY: Santa, why is your nose so red?
SANTA: Come on now. Have you been good?
TABBY: Am I being good now?
SANTA: Well...uh...I guess...
TABBY: Can I tell you something—anything?
SANTA: Well, I, uh....
TABBY: There's so much I want to say.
SANTA: Come on, get to it.
TABBY: It's just that, well, I've been sitting here for what seems like forever, and I haven't had one real moment with you.
SANTA: Listen, kid, I'm doing my best here.
TABBY: You have a fake beard, a padded stomach, and why are you ho-ho-hoing? What's funny? You sound like a lunatic.
SANTA: Okay, how about this. What do you want for the holiday?
TABBY: What holiday?
SANTA: You know, the one I'm not allowed to mention by name in the mall during this particular season as to not offend anyone who doesn't believe in said holiday. It's stipulated in my contract.
TABBY: Oh, that holiday. I already told you. I want you to be real.
SANTA: Talk about toys. Okay? Toys.
TABBY: Who are you, Santa? Please.
SANTA: Look, I don't want to talk about myself.
TABBY: There's no one else in line. And Mommy and Daddy are busy.
SANTA: Is that them?
TABBY: No Daddy's way over there past the mechanical reindeer drooling over the flat screen TV's. And Mommy's sitting right over there. Hi Mommy! She's wicked stressed out—thinking of what to buy for her co-workers, the neighbors, and the cable guy.
SANTA: Maybe I should call them over.
TABBY: You're sad, Santa. I can see it in your posture. Did you lose something close to you?
SANTA: All I want to know is what toys you want! Now tell me!
TABBY: Did your cat disappear? (PAUSE)
SANTA: How did you know—yes, last week. My cat vanished from my...sleigh...in the parking lot.
TABBY: Is your cat squishy, kind of quiet, and never ever blinks?
SANTA: Yes. Have you seen her?
TABBY: Oh, yeah.
TABBY: Somewhere close. It's safe.
SANTA: Oh, thank you for finding her.
TABBY: I didn't. I catnapped it from your Sleigh-U-V.
SANTA: You stole Mrs. Claus!
TABBY: You left it on the hood in the rain. It was getting soggy, you know. Do you want it back?
SANTA: Of course I do.
SANTA: I just do.
TABBY: You tell me why or you'll never see it again.
SANTA: She's mine—
TABBY: Tell me! Now! Or I'll donate it to charity!
SANTA: No! Don't! She's all I have! When I get up in the morning, there's Mrs. Claus on the side of my pillow. When I come home at night, there's Mrs. Claus on the kitchen table waiting for a hug. When I take a bath, there's Mrs. Claus on her little cruise ship, bobbing up and down, safe from the killer whales. I miss her so much. Please! (TABBY TAKES A STUFFED ANIMAL CAT FROM HER KNAPSACK AND GIVES IT TO SANTA) Oh, Mrs. Claus, I missed you! Oh, yes I did. Huggies! Huggy-huggy-hugggyboo! Huggyhuggyhuggyboo!
(SANTA DOES A WEIRD HUGGY DANCE WITH MRS.CLAUS)
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